First of all, rather than asking why this child won’t be still perhaps we need to ask ourselves “Why do I need this child to be still right now?”

Is it possible for us to adapt our expectations to allow a child to move and fiddle with something while they are listening to us, or writing, or working on a project.  Sometimes, if there are no other issues it will resolve the problem if we provide a way that the child can move and fiddle.  This is what I mean when I say “new era”.  Imagine classrooms and homes where children moved… where the “active listening posture” allowed  children to be active if they needed to.  Classrooms may not look as “neat” on the surface, but for many children learning and life would be a whole lot more fun and engaging.

To allow this to happen, at least for the children who obviously need it, it helps to have a couple of “tools” up your sleeve:

• First of all, providing opportunities for more intense movement can be a big help.  Movement breaks can be great for the whole class, or for an individual child.  I was recently in a  teacher’s class… and this teacher definitely thinks outside the square.  During the morning session when around Australia children are knuckling down with academics he suddenly burst out “We’ve been inside long enough… let’s all run outside for a quick play on the playground.”  I’ve been in other classes where I’ve heard students say to the teacher “we haven’t moved for a while… I think we need a stretch and move break.”  I love it when I see this because I know it means it happens often, and the children feel comfortable in requesting it when they are needing it.
• My favourite tool for allowing a child to move when they are working and sitting are seats or cushions that allow movement, and the one I like best is the worm bOble.  Sitting on this as a seat for the first time took me back to that lovely (but forbidden) feeling of rocking on my chair in primary school.  And when I work with children now I usually bring along a worm.  I don’t even need to explain to children how to use it – they just know.  And they’ll sit with me and concentrate well through sometimes quite challenging activities… gently rocking, swaying and wobbling as they sit.  A “move-n-sit cushion” is a cheaper option that allows a child to wiggle.  It is important that a child is given time to learn how to use these in a way that the teacher involved can cope with, as some teachers take time to adjust to having a wiggling child in their midst.
• I also love modelling beeswax for children to fiddle with while they are listening.  It is a beautiful sensory experience, as it has a silky feel, smells like honey and once it is warmed up in the fingers you can mould it into lovely creations.
• Soft cushions, textured cloths and bean bags can be helpful in making children comfy when they are sitting and giving them something to feel and fiddle with.

It can also help to explore “why” a child is moving.

And sometimes it is helpful to involve an occupational therapist in answering this question.  There are many reasons why a child may move, fiddle and fidget, ranging from:

• Their sense of balance may be still developing, and they move around, touch things and look around to compensate.
• They may have “sensory seeking” needs where they actually benefit from moving, rocking, rolling, spinning or fidgeting – and they need to do this proactively in their daily life to help them concentrate and make sense of the world.  This can be identified with a Sensory Profile assessment, or gathering information about a child’s sensory preferences.
• They may be reacting to the foods they are eating… gut health, microbes, blood sugar and fat levels can all influence how fidgety a child is.
• They may be bored… I’m being brutally honest here, but sometimes we are expecting them to do tasks which are unimportant to them, and if we are completely honest are boring and irrelevant.  These children push us to think outside the square and to question ourselves about why we are asking children to do tasks… is it just to tick someone else’s box about what should be done? Is there a way we can present it differently and turn it into a fun and playful game?  If it must be done how can we empower the child to do the task in a way that is achievable and positive?
• They may be hands on/kinesthetic learners.  These children learn best when actively engaged in tasks and “doing something”.  So learning tasks need to be adapted.  Classrooms are usually tough environments for these children, and unless teachers are aware of their needs they will likely cause frustration for the teacher with their deep yearning for hands on activity.

I find myself reciting this sentence so often that it has become a little mantra of mine “the child will show you what they need”.

If a child is listening and concentrating, but they are moving and fiddling then it is likely that the adults in that child’s life need to provide ways for a child to move and fiddle, proactively, positively and without using the movement/fiddling as punishment/reward system (i.e. “when you do this work, then I’ll let you have a movement break”).

I would like to see classrooms and homes where it was considered fine for a child to be wriggling, rocking moving or fiddling while listening, writing or even eating.  And it’s our job to find the resources and time to allow that to happen proactively, before children become disruptive… and before we are tearing our hair out!

If a child isn’t able to listen, concentrate and complete tasks because they are distracted by their need to move and fiddle then we have to look deeper and seek to understand the reasons for the wriggling.

I look forward to a new era, where we accept that children need to move and fidget, even older children… where classrooms look a lot more wriggly and fidgety… and where rather than punishing children for moving and fiddling, we seek to understand them and meet the need underlying what we see.

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Feeling well equipped to deal with the tougher moments of parenting probably does make it seem that I’m very patient.  But I know in my heart that I desperately need good strategies that work, so that I can do my best in my most important job of raising my own 5 children.

One of my favourite tools comes from a well known therapist training program called Circle of Security. This is a relationship/attachment focused therapy program – and I frequently use their resources and principles in therapy sessions.  I love their parenting mantra “Be Bigger Stronger Wiser and Kind”.  They explain that we all have a tendency to miss a part of this mantra… but we need to practice all of it for our parenting to work well.  So breaking down the mantra can help us see where our own weak spots are, and help us to take the next step of adding tools to our toolkit to overcome our weak spots.

Where is your weak spot?

If we are just bigger, stronger and wiser but aren’t kind… then we are actually being mean.

Children are little, and to them we are huge!  So when we yell at them or use our harsh mother or teacher voice it can sound magnified and intimidating to them.  When we hit them we are scary.  Even if we just slap them on the hand it feels demeaning and demoralising on a big scale.  If we are angry, we need to learn how to express our anger without scaring them or hurting them… as ultimately we want to empower them to be them to do the same in their own lives.

Often a good test of whether we have ventured into mean territory is to consider how we would feel if a colleague or our spouse treated us this way.  How would we feel if we touched a colleagues brand new iPad and our work colleague hit our hand, or worse – our backside.  How would we feel if we’d had a rough day and burst into tears over our concerns, and our spouse sent us to our room to settle down and think about it?  There are lots of effective tools for implementing our boundaries and communicating our frustrations without being mean… but it takes time and practice to learn them.

If we are just being kind, but aren’t taking charge (bigger, stronger, wiser) then we are being weak.

I believe we as parents are responsible for our children.  I have limits and boundaries about what is expected and acceptable, and I do have an awareness of a child’s developmental stage and abilities in setting my expectations.  Sometimes, if it is acceptable to me, I am happy to negotiate on particular issues.  Other times my child might not be happy about the situation, but my boundary will remain firm.  In my experience, parents who are clear with their boundaries and who are proactive in implementing them are able to stay in a kind state… with the right balance of gentleness and firmness.  And sometimes we need more tools in our toolkit to help us do that in real life.

If we aren’t taking charge (we are doing none of the bigger, stronger, wiser and kind) then we just aren’t there… even if we are there.

It’s hard, there are just so many distractions… tell me about it!  But what our children yearn for most is to have moments through the day where we stop and just be with them.  Where we shut the screen down, where we turn and give them our full attention (eye contact, touch, listening ears) when they need us.  It’s tough, but responding and being responsive to their needs means that we don’t become reactive.

So I know I need all of these aspects (bigger, stronger, wiser, kind) to be able to do my best for our kids.

I have developed my own simpler mantra as a mother and as an occupational therapist: “firm and kind, firm and kind, firm and kind”  – in the busy swing of life it’s easier for me to remember a shorter mantra!  For me firm and kind sums up where I want to be.  And so yes, it may appear that I’m very patient.  But it is my toolkit of approaches that work that I’ve collected over the years that empower me.

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So how can you foster this connection? One key is to LISTEN. When they are telling you or showing you something (even if you don’t agree) just LISTEN. Listen, listen, listen… and when you think you’re finished listening, listen some more. They don’t necessarily even need to be talking to need us to listen.

Sometimes you only need to give a “Mmmmm” or “Oh really?” in response here or there. Or let them know you’ve heard what they’ve said with an “I can see you’re really upset about that.” Sometimes listening means listening to them cry without trying to make them stop. Knowing that someone listened and understood is empowering for your child, no matter what their age or stage of development. Listening goes a long way towards building strong connections. And when you listen to your child you’re modelling how to BE a good listener – a scarce creature in our busy world.

But it goes deeper than that. Sometimes your child will still seem frustrated and upset even though you are listening. And this brings us to reflecting. Reflecting lets your child know you heard and understand what they are telling you. This doesn’t need to be with words. Reflection can be mirroring their expression, or mirroring the intensity of their emotions through your gestures and breathing. When you see a mother reflecting a child it will be like they are watching each other in the mirror – and it is a symbol of the deep connection and attachment that will nurture them through their lives. You can do this with words also, for example “That must have been really horrible! I can see why you’re so upset!” but it will mean much more if your words display an inkling of the emotions they are experiencing. This lets your child know you are “with” them…

So as we go about our lives and try and connect with our children… Give them your attention when they approach…Listen to their words and their feelings… Mirror your child so they know you get it…
Enter your child’s world, so that they might enter yours.

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